Where Else But Queensland
Originally published in Andromeda Spaceways Magazine Issue 80
An alien disguised as a tourist goes on a croc tour in far North Queensland, in a short story that echoes the sense of sheer fun that Douglas Adams and John Scalzi bring to their writing.
A short excerpt...
Ewaldine ‘Ewie’ Enders was uncomfortable, unimpressed, and shit out of luck. She was uncomfortable because the climate in far North Queensland, Australia, was so humid that the thick, sticky air was not only causing her outer human skin to sweat, but also leaking through to her natural, scaled skin underneath. The subsequent chafing made her entire body feel as papery as her tongue, when she’s had the misfortune of drinking over-brewed tea. She was unimpressed because the tourists surrounding her on the crocodile spotting cruise were too busy prattling about the sights they’d already scene on their travels to immerse themselves in the beauty go the Daintree River surrounding them. Their voices grated on Ewie’s sensitive ears, and their ignorance felt like a reflection of her idiocy for embarking on this quest. To quote the colourful language of the locals, she was shit out of luck, because to reach her destination, she was going to have to jump from the safety of the boat and into the crocodile-infested waters below.
Ewie had been of two minds about whether or not she wanted to spot crocodiles. On the one hand, it would be interesting to see one of the great creatures that shared the blood of her ancestors. On the other hand, this species had missed the greg evolution and were unaware of her species’ existence. They wouldn’t see her as any different from the noisy, tasty humans aboard the boat. So she’d decided—when it became time to begin her mission and swim through the crocodile-infested waters to her destination—she’d rather there not be a crocodile lying in wait for her. Their jaws could snap down upon prey with a force even Ewie’s scared skin could not withstand.
“Oh you beauty, would you have a look at that. We’ve got a big’n over here to our right.”
Everyone swivelled to the right scanning the water and the mud banks flanking the river. Ewie’s eyes landed on the crocodile first, homing in on the heat signal of the creature’s body. When her eyes readjusted to optical vision, she was filled with awe. The crocodile was nearly fifteen feet long, its heavily armoured torso blending into the muted browns of the river bank. Even from the protection of the boat, the crocodile felt too close. There was a primeval edge to its form, unmoved by the presence of the gawking tourists. Hundreds of shutters snapped, as amateur photographers view for the perfect holiday snap. With each click, Ewie felt her body—the real one, underneath—clam up, the mucus membranes inside her throat clenching with unease.
This was a really dumb idea. Save the planet. Become a hero. Be forgiven by the Holy Trinidad. Who was she kidding? Ewie didn’t give a hoot about this planet or the moronic bipeds that called it home. Let their planet be destroyed and taken over by a villainous race. Was all this really worth the risk to her own being?
Where Else But Queensland
Originally published in Andromeda Spaceways Magazine Issue 80
An alien disguised as a tourist goes on a croc tour in far North Queensland, in a short story that echoes the sense of sheer fun that Douglas Adams and John Scalzi bring to their writing.
A short excerpt...
Ewaldine ‘Ewie’ Enders was uncomfortable, unimpressed, and shit out of luck. She was uncomfortable because the climate in far North Queensland, Australia, was so humid that the thick, sticky air was not only causing her outer human skin to sweat, but also leaking through to her natural, scaled skin underneath. The subsequent chafing made her entire body feel as papery as her tongue, when she’s had the misfortune of drinking over-brewed tea. She was unimpressed because the tourists surrounding her on the crocodile spotting cruise were too busy prattling about the sights they’d already scene on their travels to immerse themselves in the beauty go the Daintree River surrounding them. Their voices grated on Ewie’s sensitive ears, and their ignorance felt like a reflection of her idiocy for embarking on this quest. To quote the colourful language of the locals, she was shit out of luck, because to reach her destination, she was going to have to jump from the safety of the boat and into the crocodile-infested waters below.
Ewie had been of two minds about whether or not she wanted to spot crocodiles. On the one hand, it would be interesting to see one of the great creatures that shared the blood of her ancestors. On the other hand, this species had missed the greg evolution and were unaware of her species’ existence. They wouldn’t see her as any different from the noisy, tasty humans aboard the boat. So she’d decided—when it became time to begin her mission and swim through the crocodile-infested waters to her destination—she’d rather there not be a crocodile lying in wait for her. Their jaws could snap down upon prey with a force even Ewie’s scared skin could not withstand.
“Oh you beauty, would you have a look at that. We’ve got a big’n over here to our right.”
Everyone swivelled to the right scanning the water and the mud banks flanking the river. Ewie’s eyes landed on the crocodile first, homing in on the heat signal of the creature’s body. When her eyes readjusted to optical vision, she was filled with awe. The crocodile was nearly fifteen feet long, its heavily armoured torso blending into the muted browns of the river bank. Even from the protection of the boat, the crocodile felt too close. There was a primeval edge to its form, unmoved by the presence of the gawking tourists. Hundreds of shutters snapped, as amateur photographers view for the perfect holiday snap. With each click, Ewie felt her body—the real one, underneath—clam up, the mucus membranes inside her throat clenching with unease.
This was a really dumb idea. Save the planet. Become a hero. Be forgiven by the Holy Trinidad. Who was she kidding? Ewie didn’t give a hoot about this planet or the moronic bipeds that called it home. Let their planet be destroyed and taken over by a villainous race. Was all this really worth the risk to her own being?